I haven’t written for some time due to my beloved dog dying. I’ve also had stuff related to a friend to navigate that has taken my energy and focus, but for today, and next Tuesday, because of a conversation I had with my therapist, who is on holiday for 2 weeks, I am posting here. These posts will be my “support” until she returns. Although my therapist doesn’t support me in the way you might imagine. I chose my therapist carefully. It had to be a woman; I get on much better with women than I do men. It had to be an autistic therapist. They needed to be very political, a socialist, and able to spot bullshit. The cherry on the cake was that they weren’t British. I’m not fond of the white middle-class therapy cult that positions itself above its clients. Tories or Liberals who tell you you’re the problem instead of the system you are enslaved by.
I posted on BlueSky recently that I felt so trapped by prejudice that I feel I can’t write the things I’d like to. The reason for this is because older men are seen as perverts and stupid, disabled people are seen as worthless, and also because I am still struggling to find the balance of writing a political blog, or an autism, sexuality blog. As you can imagine, the two don’t mix. So I think I’ll put the more personal content behind a password. Maybe I will add a small charge to keep the idiots away.
I told my therapist that I feel like an alien. That I speak a different language. That there’s nobody like me in my world. It is frustrating and lonely to be surrounded by automatons. I either have to downgrade myself or have no human contact, and neither of those options work for me.
I intended to write about ageism today but I couldn’t do it with all that is happening in the world. So here is my ramble for what it is worth.
Firstly, let’s establish the basic facts. We are governed in the West by the Epstein Class. When Trump, Starmer, Merz, etc. speak, they are saying what they have been instructed to say by the Epstein Class. The aim of these people is a one-world government that answers to no one. There are several players in the Epstein Class, which includes the Rothschild family, the Zionists, globalist millionaires and billionaires.
We also have people like Jeremy Corbyn, Pedro Sánchez Pérez-Castejón of Spain, who are not in the Epstein Class, and are against the illegal wars, but who still tell untruths about countries such as Iran and Russia. These people believe the liberal media lies they profess to be so against. It really is very hard for the average person to understand what is happening, and that isn’t by accident.
I am encouraged to see so many protests against the attack on Iran; it tells me we are not all brainwashed and that I am not alone, but so great is the stranglehold on TV, on radio, on print, by the Epstein class, that I fear ignorance could erupt and we sink further into the new Dark Age.
I don’t have any answers. Other than to say we need revolution. A complete change of system. And jail time for the Epstein Class. Meanwhile, I try my best to get through each day. Chronically tired, I am falling asleep while writing this article. Be kind to yourself. Support Iran. Follow ACP.
When I was a child, my mother would go out dancing and leave me alone in the house. I was terrified. When I took myself to bed, I would hide under the blankets and pretend to snore loudly, like what I thought an adult man would do. I thought this would deter anyone from attacking me. The trauma of this has never really left me. When I go to bed, I never look forward to it, and I never feel safe or comfortable being in bed. As I did when I was a child, I long for dawn so that I can feel safer.
Along with my childhood trauma, I also have to contend with the autistic difficulty with sleeping. Most autistic people have severe issues with not being able to sleep. Now, I’ve watched two videos while typing this article because I wanted to provide some good information for you people reading this. However, I felt too annoyed to include them because, although they provided good information, they followed that by either providing useless advice or including links to expensive groups they ran. No, I’m not interested in giving those accounts publicity. So let’s talk about reality and my experience.
I have decided that I need to think about changing anything and/or everything with regard to sleep. I don’t believe for one minute that I can change the problems autistic people have with sleep; we simply can’t. What I want to do, though, is to make the problems less punishing to my health and welfare. Now, normally, I can’t go back to sleep when I wake up. However, I realised recently that my depression is probably not depression but sleep deprivation, and that shifted something in me. It has made the barrier to going back to sleep less of a hurdle, because now I have a tangible reason to do so. I hope that makes sense to you. I am a problem solver and now I can see a possible solution, so that interests me. I know the difference is subtle, but it is a difference.
When the sun is coming through my bedroom window, and it is in the afternoon, that is when I feel the least overwhelmed. It is also the time when, for 12 years as a postman, I would sleep. I woke very early and slept in the afternoon. I believe that is how foxes live, and I feel an affinity with foxes, but doesn’t that make sense? I remember cycling to work at 1:30 am, and I would regularly encounter foxes. Unfortunately, I also have the Protestant work ethic, which means I feel guilty for not working during the day, which lessens as the day progresses.
So let’s try to summarise where I’m at. I know my lack of sleep is seriously affecting my well-being. I can’t just push through it anymore. I have to change something. I’ve decided to try and go back to bed when I wake up, and have had a cup of tea and some toast. That’s the first thing. I’ve done it before but I didn’t have the insight re; the depression I thought I was feeling. The other thought I’ve had is that I am very sensitive to my environment and that I need to have some decorating done to make my living space feel cosier. I want my house to feel more like my home. My bedroom is actually the best room in the house, but I feel I need to make it feel more like an oasis or woodland. That might include buying a projector, it might include adding a lot more plants to the room. Nature calms me.
Finally, the only thing I want to recommend is a weighted blanket. Weighted blankets make me feel safer. The pressure makes me feel safer, more grounded.
OK, and now finally! Here’s a rather wild idea, for want of a better word. What if we could hire people to cuddle us until we fell asleep? Or cuddle us, and even have sex with us, be nice and kind, and then just go? Wouldn’t that warm, kind, physical and emotional connection enable us to fall fast asleep? I wonder how much of our sleep problems are connected to just feeling safe. Something to consider.
