When I was a child, my mother would go out dancing and leave me alone in the house. I was terrified. When I took myself to bed, I would hide under the blankets and pretend to snore loudly, like what I thought an adult man would do. I thought this would deter anyone from attacking me.
The trauma of this has never really left me. When I go to bed, I never look forward to it, and I never feel safe or comfortable being in bed. As I did when I was a child, I long for dawn so that I can feel safer.
Along with my childhood trauma, I also have to contend with the autistic difficulty with sleeping. Most autistic people have severe issues with not being able to sleep. Now, I’ve watched two videos while typing this article because I wanted to provide some good information for you people reading this. However, I felt too annoyed to include them because, although they provided good information, they followed that by either providing useless advice or including links to expensive groups they ran. No, I’m not interested in giving those accounts publicity. So let’s talk about reality and my experience.
I have decided that I need to think about changing anything and/or everything with regard to sleep. I don’t believe for one minute that I can change the problems autistic people have with sleep; we simply can’t. What I want to do, though, is to make the problems less punishing to my health and welfare. Now, normally, I can’t go back to sleep when I wake up. However, I realised recently that my depression is probably not depression but sleep deprivation, and that shifted something in me. It has made the barrier to going back to sleep less of a hurdle, because now I have a tangible reason to do so. I hope that makes sense to you. I am a problem solver and now I can see a possible solution, so that interests me. I know the difference is subtle, but it is a difference.
When the sun is coming through my bedroom window, and it is in the afternoon, that is when I feel the least overwhelmed. It is also the time when, for 12 years as a postman, I would sleep. I woke very early and slept in the afternoon. I believe that is how foxes live, and I feel an affinity with foxes, but doesn’t that make sense? I remember cycling to work at 1:30 am, and I would regularly encounter foxes. Unfortunately, I also have the Protestant work ethic, which means I feel guilty for not working during the day, which lessens as the day progresses.
So let’s try to summarise where I’m at. I know my lack of sleep is seriously affecting my well-being. I can’t just push through it anymore. I have to change something. I’ve decided to try and go back to bed when I wake up, and have had a cup of tea and some toast. That’s the first thing. I’ve done it before but I didn’t have the insight re; the depression I thought I was feeling. The other thought I’ve had is that I am very sensitive to my environment and that I need to have some decorating done to make my living space feel cosier. I want my house to feel more like my home. My bedroom is actually the best room in the house, but I feel I need to make it feel more like an oasis or woodland. That might include buying a projector, it might include adding a lot more plants to the room. Nature calms me.
Finally, the only thing I want to recommend is a weighted blanket. Weighted blankets make me feel safer. The pressure makes me feel safer, more grounded.
OK, and now finally! Here’s a rather wild idea, for want of a better word. What if we could hire people to cuddle us until we fell asleep? Or cuddle us, and even have sex with us, be nice and kind, and then just go? Wouldn’t that warm, kind, physical and emotional connection enable us to fall fast asleep? I wonder how much of our sleep problems are connected to just feeling safe. Something to consider.
